Broken Trust & Safe Words – Wembley UK, Cambridge UK, Camden UK, Brent Park UK,

Nina Dellis / Nina Toubale Facebook
 

Nina Dellis / Nina Toubale Instagram
 


Ugh I write too much and too long, apologizes peeps. This one will take a minute, but all mine do ya know?

So recently last night I was faced with something, that in my 20+ years of lifestyle I have never had happen before. And I am still working through it in my own mind.

Safe Words.

Last night, as an assignment for my Sir, I asked an old playmate over to whip me and take some pictures for my Sir. I have played with this person for 5 years before we, well I decided that I needed more then just play, and he was not ready to move it to the next level. I know this man well, or so I thought. We talked terms and limits, what I was wanting, what he was wanting. We had talked safe words many times before. I didn’t think I needed to again. I mean for real, after the 10th time .. does it bare repeating? Yes. Yes it does.

We were all set. He knew the limits as I had told him. No penetration. No exchange of fluids. The play went well. It was fun. We teased, we tormented we played. We had played for years. He knew all the right places to touch to get me going, but I never gave. Not once. I said “red” often when he passed into zones he should not. Every thing was fine, till almost the end.

One choice. One wrong move. One time of not listening. And everything changed.

We had almost finished when it all feel apart in my head. We were snuggled on my bed, play all but over. He was stroking my body, I was naked and he was dressed. He moved his fingers down to my cunt. He had been teasing me all night, and I him. Well with in my limits. I would never cross over the line and chance displeasing my Sir for any reason. When he first pushed his finger slightly into me, I admit, I sighed sadly. I had just played .. I was wet and horny. But not for him .. but for SIR. I had pulled away with in seconds. He followed and pushed deeper into me. I said “red” He ignored it. Again and again I said red as he fingered me. Tears started to gather, pain shot through my head and heart. I had just lost a friend. I knew it.

I didn’t just say red once. I said it so many times. I was weeping the word, my body stiff and still he kept pushing his finger into me. I finally said “please stop” .. my voice broke. He stopped and finally looked into my eyes. I don’t know what he saw. But I knew what I was feeling.

Betrayed.
Lied to.
Hurt.
Anger.
Fear.
Mistrust.

Betrayed, he said he would stop at red.
Lied to, he didn’t.
Hurt, he had made me break my word to my Sir.
Anger. He should have fucking stopped.
Fear. What if HE didn’t stop there.
Mistrust. He would do this again.

I knew this man. I knew him for YEARS before we ever played. He is a kind man, a very gentle man, a giving man. I never had reason to fear him or mistrust him, until that moment.

Inside my head for the last 24 hours has been a fucking mess. I have never ever had anyone NOT stop at red. What should I do? How was I to handle this? This should never have happened! The man had 20+ years in the life himself. So why had HE? Was it something I had done? Something I had said? Was I to blame? …

FUCK NO! I was not to blame.

We in this lifestyle have these things set up for just this reason. SSC. Safe, Sane & Consensual. We have safe words for JUST this REASON. As a sub as that was my role for the night, me being a switch and all we count on our tops to guide and protect us at our most vulnerable. We TRUST them to not violate the guide lines we have in place.

I did every thing right. I told him the limits. Made sure he understood. He agreed. He chose not to listen. Just because we teased each other all night, does not mean he has the right to violate my trust. We in the life know how important trust is. We understand that the mental welfare of each play mate is important and to never violate this trust. Because if it is, this could cause the person who you do this to, to be mentally damaged by not adhering to the limits set. We set limits for a reason. We talk about things for a reason.

He even said to me as we got started “When I go to far, just say “red” Tara, and I will stop.” Lie. He did not go into this NOT knowing what the limits were. He knew. We talked about it. I wrote the limits, even said the limits when he was on the phone with me, half an hour before he got here.

I invited him over in good faith. I got naked in good faith. I let him spank me, whip me, paddle me, all in good faith. And in one moment, all that was broken. As was our kinkship, but our friendship? We MIGHT be friends still. But nothing else.

It took him till 20 minutes ago to finally say “I am sorry about last night”. He realized he had lost me forever as a playmate I guess. I can’t ever trust him again. Because breaking the safe word trust is kinda like a husband/boyfriend hitting a woman the first time. The first time is the hardest.

He said, when we talked about it, that my eyes told him another story. WTF? Really? My eyes? The ones that were full of fear and tears? Those eyes? REally????????????? pauses and lets the anger drain away again I am not a victim. Not when I was raped as a child by my stepfather. Not when my husband hit me. Not when my friend violated safe word trust. I am no victim. I am a pissed off hurt woman. And having to deal with it.

So I was on a hell of a roller coaster ride today. Up & down. I was still dealing with this in my head.

How to handle it? How to deal with a friend violating the safe words? I have never had to deal with this before. So I do like always. I face it head on. I am talking with J$$$$y about it right now for that matter. Head on peeps.. head fucking on. I back down from nothing But Sir. I have stood up for myself my whole fucking life, do you think that at 50 I am gonna start backing down? HELLLLLLLL No. HELL FUCKING No.

So we are talking .. and still “my eyes” told him another story, even though my MOUTH was saying “RED” over and over again. Am I angry at him? Yes. Am I angry at myself? Yes. I should have just NOT invited him over. I should have NOT done the assignment that way. I should have just beat myself and sent the pictures on to Sir. I didn’t. And that is why I am angry at myself. He should NOT have ignored “red”. He should NOT have kept going. He did and I am angry at him for that.

But it did happen.

Sir when He realized JUST what had happened .. wanted to come up and “deal” with J$$$$y Himself. But that would be a stupid action. My Sir is a Thinker. And Smart. He does not do stupid things. wellllll I don’t think He does. I was hit hard when Sir said He felt guilt over what had happened. This IS not HIS fault. I know right were all the blame lays and it is not at His feet.

My TRUST in Him is unbroken. He has only my best interest at heart.

Life is full of ups and downs. It’s how we deal with the waves of life, that make us who we are. I will not be pulled into the undertow, I will ride this wave all the way to shore and come out of these rough seas with a new understanding of myself, My Sir and Our commitment to each other. We are NO less for this, in all truth we are stronger. He called me today .. worried about His baby doll. I told Him I was fine. His soft but firm “Why don’t I believe you?” broke me down. And once more .. I cried all over my Sir on the phone. HE is my comfort Zone. He IS my Safety.

He is My Sir. And He still loves me. Domme, sub, wild child, He loves ME smiles I may be flawed, but Sir likes me this way.


Cambridge UK, Haringey UK, Brent UK, Harrow UK, Bushey UK

Hillingdon UK, Ealing UK, camden UK, islington UK, Wembley UK

Hayes UK, Edgware UK, Brent Park UK, Greenford UK, Barnet UK


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