BDSM Entitlement; Brighton UK, Harrow UK, Leatherhead UK, Portsmouth UK, Fulham UK, Luton UK, Watford UK

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BDSM Entitlement

Just as important in helping novice players learn the ropes in kink is also modeling good boundaries. The alt sex communities are rife with both men & women who lack an understanding of what good boundaries look like, for both themselves as well as respecting those of others. Often these people are offended or have their feelings hurt when someone else asserts boundaries, even when no such offense or hurt is meant. Incorporating this topic into conversation, & modeling real world boundaries in every interaction helps create a community that applies & respects boundaries for self & others.

But an important point I want to make is that it is NOT the responsibility of the person asserting their boundaries to emotionally care-take for others. We all are responsible for our own emotional reactions, understanding what our triggers are, and learning how to manage those responses. Of course we are all responsible for our actions, & how they impact others, but at the end of the day it is for each of us, as individuals, to understand and navigate our emotional responses.

Often women are assumed to provide nurturing & guidance, as it is built in to our archetype & social programming. Unfortunately some (mostly men) think anything less than women providing free emotional labor as being “rude” (free does not mean to imply a need to be compensated-I mean no balance, no investment of relationship-strangers expecting response & engagement from strangers without offering any sort of balance in return). I am sometimes called rude for telling someone I am not interested in conversing, their interest in me, or when I define & assert my boundaries. Do I speak directly? Yes, but that does not make me rude…

Being able to cruise public profiles does not mean people are required to engage with every person who contacts them. And sure, we can ignore, delete, & even block anyone that rubs us the wrong way (and I often do), but what I onsider rude is not responding to people at all (unless they are completely obnoxious…or do the “hey”thing…), I try to give some sort of answer, feedback, or use the opportunity as a teachable moment.

As an example: when a stranger is constantly messaging me to give compliments, then uses those opportunities to try & string out a conversation of meaningless small talk, it feels more like them trying to manipulate me to engage for their own pleasure or needs, & I say so. Those who are earnest apologize and adjust. Those who have been called out appropriately get huffy & are offended… Of course I appreciate compliments, but I am not interested in sycophants, or those who try to manipulate & attach expectations without consent. Some people think compliments grants them access to your time & energy, & use that to manipulate… Not all, but SOME…

But a more recent conversation is inspiring this post today.

I was contacted by a stranger asking questions that seemed random, could be answered in a google search, and at one point simply didn’t make any sense (sent in the wee hours of the morning…so I assumed he had been drinking or something). I indulged him at first, but the late night/incoherent message had me respond letting him know that I not only didn’t understand what he was asking, but that I didn’t have time for random chit chat. His response? To throw an insult about my age, then block me so I could not respond… I have no doubt he thinks I’m a big meany…lol Had he not blocked me, insult or not, I would have tried to clarify that he misread my TONE, but not my boundary…but I didn’t get that chance. Oh well… I don’t really like leaving people with hurt feelings, but also understand that is not always in my control. He is choosing his path in that regard, and sometimes that is the path some want.

Of course I think it’s important to educate & mentor newbies, but part of that education, IMO, should be grounded in a foundation of respect and appreciation for others time & effort. I have not seen a lot of THAT discussed in among the local “Welcome newbies!” conversations…

I think most newbies are appreciative of veterans taking them under their wing, and some do acknowledge those efforts. Others might not know what they have to offer in return, but there are always ways to honor another persons time & effort. Some suggestions (please feel free to respond with more suggestions):

When messaging a stranger, read their profile first to get a sense of who they are beyond a list of kinks. You can sometimes get a sense in some profiles of who is open to mentoring, and who is not. When in doubt, ask: “Do you mentor newbies? Can I ask you a few questions?” Including a brief introduction, & why you contacted THAT particular person is also helpful.

If they don’t mentor or don’t want to converse, don’t take it personal & move on.

If they invite the conversation, be respectful of their time: have a point to the conversation & think of how to ask about or share the information you want efficiently & succinctly.

Don’t expect one person to answer everything you are curious or have questions about. Do your own research, and split your inquires among others to not put the weight all on one person to help you.

Thank them for their time, no matter what response they give to help or not.

Offer a return of energy or effort in a way that is within your comfort zone, and is valuable to the person helping you. Don’t know what to offer them? Tell them you appreciate their help & let them know you hope to find a way to repay the favor someday. The sentiment & acknowledgement shows respect & gratitude for their time.

And to the mentors out there-thank you for all that you give to the community at large! Please consider incorporating conversations about respecting & balancing the energy you give helping others if you don’t already. I know some may not feel the need for that balance themselves, but in the bigger picture, I think it helps create greater mindfulness in ALL of our exchanges, no matter what experience level.


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