Reflections: F*ck “Virginity” (Literally) – Toronto Canada

“I think the concept of virginity was created by men who thought their penises were so important it changes who a woman is” – Unknown.
I really wish the term “losing virginity” would just die. From my own experience and others that I’ve spoken to or read about, it’s something that makes sex seem like something horrible and ugly, which it isnt. The idea of virginity v.s. non-virginity has always created chaos in my mind and had a big impact on my life. When I was younger I’d always hear that having your first intercourse is a special moment (which it is of course), that you must “save yourself”, etc. and that as a girl you are either a whore or a virgin (having v.s. not having sex). Maintaining one’s virginity is still being sanctified amongst many people and losing it is portrayed as a dramatic change in your life, especially for girls. Religious and social pressures still have many girls (including myself) believe that we are somehow less worth if we’ve had sex, and as long as we are virgins – in the sense of not having had a penis inside our vaginas (I’ve heard about girls who only have anal sex to still be considered virgins), we are somehow better. Virgins are innocent, pure and good. Innocent of what? Sex (as long as it is consensual) is not a crime. Pure in what way? It doesn’t leave any physical marks, perhaps some fluid, but that washes of and nobody can really tell just by looking at you. Good? Having sex doesn’t transform you into a different/worse person.

I am writing this post because it is now exactly one year since I had my first intercourse. I was 23 when it happened, and I am glad I did it when I did and I don’t regret anything, but I’ve thought much about the whole thing, why I waited so long, why I was so scared to do it and how (and if) it has affected or changed me in any way. This has made me realize how toxic the concept of virginity was to my mind, and I know I’m not the only one who have felt that way.

Most pro-virgin propaganda of course hails from old religious norms and expectations that still lurks within many people’s minds. I don’t come from a particularly religious family, but I was christened at birth (just out of tradition I think) and I did consider myself a personal Christian until recent years. As a young teen I would read a lot about different Christian views on sex and virginity, and what was expected of “good girls”. How our bodies are sacred temples and that we must not scratch the surface or else we are less worth in the eyes of God and men, etc. The boys, however, seemed to be allowed to do stuff, which I found strange. I eventually lost my faith and now consider myself an atheist, but that’s a different story. At 13-14 years old, the boys my own age also disgusted me. They were hormonal, rude, grabbed girls’ asses, and I thought sex was everything boys/men wanted from girls/women. I avoided them and decided I would wait until I was married, so that I knew for sure I didn’t waste my body and my first time on someone who would just run away after he had gotten what he wanted. I since decided that marriage was not necessarily a criteria, but I definitely wanted to be in a good and stable relationship before having intercourse with anyone, and not let myself being pressured into doing something I wasn’t ready for, and I stood by that. I wanted it to feel as safe and comfortable as possible. These were some of my healthier decisions on the subject.
Another reason was trauma and the shame and guilt that came with it. I’ve written another post about my history of abuse by an adult close to me in high school, and how after I realized what had happened, it made me hate my own body and see my vaginal virginity as my last strand of purity after “allowing it to happen” (the abuse) and I thought that if I had sex it would be the last step in turning me into a complete worthless monster. I had a few short relationships in my late teen years, and of course I lusted for the boys I was with, but I still stuck to my terms of waiting until I felt ready, which I think is fair enough, but all my relationships somehow ended before we came that far. I did other sexual things than intercourse with the boyfriends I had, but I wanted to process slowly and gradually. I think at least one dumped me because of impatience.
I believe it also had to do with the fact that I had done these things before I realized I was being abused at school, and so when I discovered what had been done to me I didn’t dare to go any further sexually. I was ashamed and wore my vaginal virginity like a badge of honor, and it sort of became a part of my identity. I was the sweet and silly girl who didn’t drink (I still don’t, because I don’t like it) never did drugs (because I’m not stupid) and never had sex (because I was scared and traumatized). All the different thoughts and fears I’d gone through during these years had turned all thoughts of sex and intercourse into a barrier that I didn’t know how to overcome.
Then He came into my life and made everything feel like sunshine and rainbows. I still didn’t feel ready for sex right away, and He respected that. We both wanted each other, but whenever He asked me if I felt ready, I would automatically say no, because I didn’t feel mentally prepared for it, and doing it spontaneously wouldn’t work for me after fearing it for so many years. So together we set a goal to do it sometime before New Year’s Eve. This gave me time to mentally prepare myself and we talked much about everything I was afraid of and I realized that it was all bullshit really. He wanted to help me, and saw that getting me over this mental barrier would make me a healthier person, and He was right. So, the night of 28th of December 2017 I finally found my courage, dressed in my favorite lingerie and actually pushed Him down on the bed and told Him Ok, let’s do this, I’m ready. As soon as it was done, I felt this great relief. I didn’t really feel any different, except slight pain in my lower body, which is common the first time I suppose. I looked at myself in the bathroom mirror and found that I still looked the same. I had not turned into a monster or a different person, and there was still a man who loved me lying in the bed. I did shed a few (happy) tears. No matter the fears I’d had before, I am glad that I waited until that moment and that it all happened the way it did. With Him. Thank you, my Love, for helping me get through this.
A year has now passed, and I don’t think having sex has changed me in any other way than curing me of the unreasonable fears I had of becoming worthless and dirty, and opened up a door to new experiences (including kink) in my life. Like I stated in the beginning of this post, I think the term “losing virginity” is very outdated and misleading, and I’m not the first person to worry so much about it and being too scared to have sex because of it.
The whole concept of virginity and the idea of purity/impurity makes it seem like sex takes something away from you and that it reduces and changes you, which is awful and plain wrong. And also, what about LGBT-people? When virginity is mentioned, it usually just refers to intercourse (the act of putting a penis inside a vagina) but sex can be so much more than that. Thus, I probably really “lost my virginity” when I gave my first boyfriend a BJ, even if I didn’t have intercourse with him because I believed that was somehow different in terms of the definition of virginity and wanted to wait. It was still sexual. I wish we would stop glorifying virginity and shaming people for having/liking sex. I believe the term sexual debut is more fitting and a lot healthier contra virginity. I didn’t lose anything that night last year, other than a whole bunch of negative thoughts and feelings. Nothing really ended, but a new chapter in my life and relationship opened. It was a debut, not a loss. Thinking of it as the beginning of something and not the end sounds much more positive and less pressuring, and it is neutral enough to not exclude anyone, thus making it easier for individuals of different genders/preferences to define their own sexual experiences. The first time is special, yes, but it does not change people or decrease their value as human beings. Do what you enjoy, and what makes you and your partner(s) happy, and of course don’t let anyone pressure you into doing or not doing something. If you want to have sex, or if you want to wait, it is your decision only. I’m not trying to tear down or shame people who don’t have sex, but the idea that they are somehow better and purer than people who do it, I don’t buy. We’re all human beings, with our own experiences and our own choices.
“The only time virginity should matter in determining someone’s quality should be if they are olive oil.” – Unknown
Here’s to a happy and kinky new year, full of new possibilities and experiences. 🙂


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