These Are What I’m Feeling Right Now – Morocco

Lost. Drifting. AImless. Unsure. Doubting. Fearful. Scared. Frustrated.

These are what I’m feeling right now. Why? I’ll tell you. (And I’ll use the best analogies I can to illustrate my points)

Lost.

I’m feeling a bit lost for a number of reasons. Lots of conflicted feeling’s in my head with regards to my identifying as a switch in this lifestyle. You see, in my personal life, I’ve switched with vanilla partners and it felt good. And yet, in this kinky lifestyle, I’ve yet to find that balance with a kinky partner and that leads me to my next feeling. And that also leaves me feeling a bit untrue to myself. The reason being some days I feel more submissive than other days and other days I feel more a Top than submissive and I feel it not only confuses me a bit, it leaves my thoughts a bit muddled.

Unsure.

I’m unsure that I’ll ever find a partner who’ll help me find the balance I seek. Yeah, yeah, ‘it takes time’ and ‘you just have to have faith’ are continuously spouted at me. It’s honestly just one big happy sunshine enema forced from individual’s trying to be nice. Faith is fleeting, every bit as much as time is and I’m not the spring chicken I used to be. (LOL) I don’t feel I’ll ever find a partner who’ll help me explore this lifestyle to help me find the balance, yanno?

Aimless.

Most days I feel like I don’t really have a clear vision on the goals I want for myself. Like a hiker with a broken compass dropped in the middle of the woods, I feel like I’m in unfamiliar territory again. I just feel like I know where I want to go and yet the direction’s muddled even more.

Doubting.

I’m starting to have doubts about finding my lady and showing her all I do have to offer. No, not doubting my varied skills, talents, gifts and abilities. That was never in doubt as I do know what I bring to any relationship. I doubt that anyone will ever see not only those things, but the potential within for much more.

Scared.

I’m scared to give myself to that lady if and when we do come together and have a meeting of the minds. Why? Because trust is a huge, HUGE issue I have a hard time with. Having been burned by many fakes, liars and posers thus far, I’m far more guarded, far more skeptical of what I’m told, far more resistant to believe what I’m told. I’ve often said “I believe half of what I hear and even less of what my brain processes.” The reason for that is due to being burned a lot.

Drifting.

Much like a rowboat with no oars, I feel very much adrift. Like I’m spinning in circles, the currents beneath just twirling me around and I’m getting no where near land. I mean it’s to the point where I’m smack dab in the middle of the ocean, see lights in the far distance and no matter how much I paddle with my hands, I never get close.

And finally

Frustrated.

All of these feeling’s have left me frustrated. How can I show any potential partner all I do have to offer? How can I make them take notice and stand out enough to catch her attention? What am I doing wrong? What am I doing right? If I’m doing something right, how do I know it’s right? Will I know?

These and thousands of other thoughts fill my head and perhaps I’m over thinking things, but at times, time makes room for all these things to come flooding into my brain.

Thanks for taking the time to read my writings. Feel free to drop pearls of wisdom or advice. (Try to keep it positive)


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