Needle in the haystack – London UK, Brighton UK, Burgess Hill UK, Haywards Heath UK, Backpage, BDSM, Escorts, Bondage, Strippers, Exotic Dancers, Bulimia, Anorexia – Nina Toubale / Nina Dellis

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Life really is balanced when one focuses on what is rather than how things feel.

There is so much good in my life right now. I have to keep focused on the good. I am such a lucky girl. I have awesome children, and amazing relationships, including a growing D/s relationship and a solid BFFF relationship.

Sure there is a lot of shit to deal with but I can’t let the shit outweigh all the good.

I am in an awesome closed group on Facebook that provides support to mono-polys. It has so many insightful posts, and isn’t the typical peacock picture and desperately seeking posts… sure it is ok to share nudes and advertise availability/looking for blah blah blah. So many closed/secret groups are all about memes, showing nudes, and fishing for fuckbuddies. The rare time something informative or insightful is posted it is greeted by troll comments promoting a more conservative perspective. God forbid I post a more liberal perspective cuz it might offend the sense and sensibility of the cheerleaders.

I mean I’ve posted on TT, but I try to play with it. A lot of people say posting their titties and woodies is in good fun but don’t play up their post. It just seems they are fishing for compliments, seeking affirmation on their attractiveness, polling their popularity.

I’ve posted my intro with what I am open to but I find the majority that contact me aren’t sincere about being friends first. Conversations seem to revolve around play but get no where because so many people just are so presumptive. The locals say they want friends first but don’t want a relationship. Or worse they think everything should click right away and think calendars align magically and when the calendars don’t it means disinterest.

But this new group I’m in is awesome. People post real challenges of being in a mono+poly relationship. The discussions are respectful and not critical. Everyone’s input is valid.

I am amazed how many mono+poly’s are out there. I’d think it be rare considering the conflicting mindsets and views of “love”. Monos have an exclusive love… one and only where as poly’s have an inclusive love… one with many. Also, Polyamory is mixed up with non-monogamy… polyamorous are non-monogamous but not all non-monogamous are polyamorous.

A lot of posts are about jealousy… feeling insignificant, feeling ‘not enough’, feeling afraid of losing the SO… or dealing with jealousy. And that is to be expected, I mean even in poly-poly there are these insecurities… Shoot vanilla relationships experience these lows. It’s human nature.. to be competitive and seek validation.

There is nothing wrong with being competitive and seeking validation but where it goes awry is in the jealousy. I used to be competitive, still am to some degree. But when it comes to love, I have always believed in it isn’t better or more between different relationships, it is different. Every relationship has a unique synergy. It is even different within the relationship over time. To me love is like fire, it isn’t diminished when shared. It actually grows, especially with the fuel of effort to communicate and understand and the air supply of compersion. Jealousy cuts off the air and weakens the love to platonic love, maybe even hate or worse apathy.

Unrequited love hurts. I can so attest to it… what I have learned is most love is unrequited, as in how one person loves another rarely is the same in return… similar but never the same. So love always hurts in some way, could hurt so little that it is almost unnoticeable or it could hurt so much life does not seem worth living.

People keep mixing up fair with equitable. Equitable is impossible to achieve when it comes to love because as humans we are limited… there are limits on our time, energy, and resources. We all have to juggle and make the best decisions with what we know and have. Being fair and feeling things are fair comes from perceptions and understanding. Thus communication is the key. Fair is understanding priority is not significance… that priority is not an indicator of importance or love. And being fair doesn’t mean that if your SO goes on an date, taking you on a date makes it fair. Fair is understanding and being confident in the effort to be fair.

Self-deception and self denial… people thinking they are being truthful because they believe their lies or people who are denying their feelings or avoiding their feelings, usually because of ego or they generalize their feelings and only admit to the anger or frustration not the true feelings. For example, so many in the group post about they are hurting but don’t attribute their hurting to jealousy. Or confess they are angry but don’t say or know why, then when people postulate the possibility of insecurity, up come the defenses or worse the offenses.

What is so awesome with Sir and my BFFF… I can tell them anything and everything. I’d be lying if I said I I never lie to them… I’ve told white lies to justify my missteps because the 100% truth would take time to explain and more effort that what it is worth spending on immediately, for example textingl traffic is a bitch running late. When the truth is I had to deal with issues that popped up at home which delayed my leaving at the right time… or I couldn’t find my keys quickly and left later than I should have. The truth would open a discussion that really doesn’t need to happen and usually could happen at a more appropriate time.

A revealed secret changes the secret from a lie to the truth once revealed and admitted to… no matter when or who reveals the truth. As long as one admits to neglecting to voluntarily disclose the information, the person is not being dishonest or deceptive but rather cautious and considerate. People get caught up in being offended. So many who have been kept from knowing get hurt and focus on the not knowing sooner. Rather thsn trying to understand why a person wasn’t forthcoming; thar many tine people aren’t forthcoming because they fear an over reaction. I have confessed to some of my white lies or I’ve discussed the truth but at a better time, when there is time. Admittedly I have also waited too long and the truth came out before I could fear up. And with Sir and my BFFF they don’t judge me. They chastise me and tell me I could have been honest sooner or that it was silly for me to tell the white lie. I always feel bad if I am not completely honest with both of them; thus with them I rarely lie and if I do for some silly reason like my pride, I eventually fess up. Examples of my white lies usually are related to my feelings. I am very reflective and do my best to understand how I truly feel about everything. I am human I get caught up in the mixed emotions of the complicated situations I find myself in. But I always take the time to understand what I feel and the consequences of acting on those feelings.

I own my jealousy and envy. My Sir and my BFFF know when I am jealous or envious before it becomes a green eyed monster. Or the suspect it when I go quiet while trying to slay the monster myself. I am human. I just don’t let jealousy and envy get the best of me.

It is exhausting but jealousy is a lack of faith and I won’t let it take hold; I believe all is as it should be. What drains me more is dealing with others jealousy. It hurts so much when the others direct their jealousy at me; especially since they have more than me; they get more attention, more opportunities, more time, more effort, etc. They have a more solid relationship status but they doubt it. Why? I always ask myself. I am no threat. I am just giving my best without expectations and with faith that it is valued and appreciated.

That is why my new collar means so much to me… it represents how much Sir values me. On the surface some could see it as what’s the big deal… it’s strip of leather held together with a few rivets and a couple snaps, it took him a couple hours to put it together… But they don’t know all the history or the current circumstances that made making this collar an effort and a big gesture. Everytime I wear that collar, I’ll remember the effort that went into it, the reasons the collar came to be, it isn’t a small gesture to me because I will remember the circumstances of its creation.

Any ways, I understand they are human, they feel what they feel. It doesn’t justify the cold shoulders or the harsh words; the passive aggressive over reactions to small things or unrelated mishaps or missteps; the refusals of help in other situations; the exclusion of me, the questioning the reasons I am around. It hurts. Sure they try to mask their feelings with polite gestures of tolerance but I know I am not accepted… the curse of being an empath, I feel their hostility, I hear their subtle messages of back off, go away. And it hurts. All I can think is how something so good like my relationships that I have, be so bad, like inspire such disdain for me. Especially, when I know in good time my relationships are temporary, they will falter or be put on the back burner more often. I have no SO. I am not a ‘significant’ in any of my relationships (and I have a few more than the two I mention so much) to all the men and couples: I am a fantasy, a toy, a pet, or often than not a friend… not an SO. And the way things are, I don’t see me becoming significant. So I really don’t get why others are jealous of me. There is nothing to be jealous of.

And this is in all my relationships, except one. The key difference in that relationship is that my role is defined and accepted and valued… I am a friend there is no doubt or fear that I’ll take anyone’s place or take someone away. Also, they are solid, so solid they are having a commitment ceremony this summer, not with me… lol but to each other. I am not jealous, I think what they have is beautiful. I am envious of how significant they are to each other. I want that. I want to be significant, not just someone to fulfill fantasies, play with or be a friend with…

I accept where I am in the relationships I have and that I am not ‘significant’ in what I have going on now. I have faith one day I will be significant to someone. I mean why wouldn’t someone see me as his/her SO. I really don’t think I am not SO material. The right person hasn’t come along. Until then I am enjoying myself playing in the haystack until the needle jabs me and makes itself known.



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Nina Toubal e - sensory deprivation, asphyxia, suffocation with plastic bags - BDSM
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