That Girl On The Bus

There have been high-profile cases in the Canadian legal system lately that have highlighted the stigma and ignorance toward sexual assault victims. The judges have been called out on their bullshit, mostly. What these cases have highlighted are the myths surrounding sexual assault and the victim that remain pervasive today. These myths and stigmatizing attitudes created a system that interrogates and examines the victim instead of the rapist.

We question why she didn’t leave.
We question why she didn’t scream.
We question why she drank.
We question the reasons for her to be out at night.
We question whether or not she’s overreacting.
We question why she just didn’t tell anybody.
We question if she’s regretting a sexual encounter, and is throwing around a rape accusation to save face.
We question if she enjoyed it.
We question her.

It’s the only crime I know of that triggers detailed interrogation of the victim to first ascertain if she was actually a victim.

With that in mind, I’m going to share part of my story so you can understand why the stigma and myths need to die.

My second year of college was at a different school than the first. I knew nobody but lived in the residence, and there were plenty of opportunities to socialize. After frosh week (which I didn’t participate in) the residence held a pub crawl. For those of you unfamiliar with pub crawls, they’re an event that brings the party from pub to pub in a bus while it’s occupants become a little more trashed at each location.

At that time I was little mopey thing, dressed all in black, and weighed 100lbs soaking wet. By the night of the pub crawl, I hadn’t eaten in a day and a half. I was tired and weak, and made a mental note to not drink more than a couple.

About an hour into the night and with half a drink in me, I began to socialize more. This is how I encountered my rapist. Bumping into me and laughing, using his arm to steady me, he introduced himself as Kyle and was a lively presence. Assholes tend to come across as charming. I believe he bumped into me in order to drop the drug into my drink.

Here is where it becomes a blur. It took me another half hour or so to finish the drink, by which time I was stumbling and way too intoxicated for someone who had one drink. Kyle used this opportunity to seem like a caring guy and held me up. As he was feeling me up, a light bulb went off in my head; this guy drugged me. I couldn’t stand on my own, couldn’t talk, and had no buddy system in place to fall back on. Somehow, whenever possible, I needed to get away from this guy and throw myself at a bouncer.

GHB is a weird drug. One moment you can stand and talk, the next you’re a floppy noodle who can barely choke out a sound. The dose I’d been given was high, probably meant for an average-sized woman who was healthy, and my moments of lucidity were short and infrequent – and I knew it. There was an awareness of the situation being dire.

Lucid moment #1 – he was holding me up and talking to someone in front of us. Mustering up as much strength as I had, I tried to push him away. He shifted his weight so I pushed past him and stumbled, managing to get out “ge..” instead of “get away from me” as I crashed to the floor.

Lucid moment #2 – eventually he had to use the bathroom. He propped me up against the wall outside the bathroom and left. I managed to get inside the women’s restroom and ran into the wall, unable to hold my own weight. He noticed I was gone and asked a random woman if she’d check on me and bring me out. Before I could tell her what was going on or ask for help, he whisked me out.

Lucid moment #3 – Near the bar’s entrance I came to again, and pitched my weight sideways to gain enough momentum to make it out. Ordinarily a bouncer would have been standing there and paying attention, but a severely intoxicated woman had just vomited all over herself and passed out, and he was dealing that. Got nabbed again.

Lucid Moment #4 – having walked me down the street and around a corner into an alleyway, he pushed me against a wall and was trying to make out with me, when a woman I hadn’t seen yet that night walked by and noticed us. Seeing Kyle and recognizing him, she called out to me, “You should watch out for that guy! He’s not a good person!” but his mouth was over mine and I couldn’t respond. She kept walking.

Lucid Moment #5 – the bus back to rez picked everyone up and was driving us home. He managed to get me on with him, making sure I was sitting in the window seat. I asked him to leave me alone, that I didn’t need help, I could make it on my own. Looking back, I was pleading. I made eye contact with a woman sitting next to us and mouthed Help Me. She didn’t react. Nobody heard me trying to get away from him.

Despite all the efforts I made to get safe, he ended up raping me in my own bed. In a daze after he left, I hopped in the shower and scrubbed my skin until it bled, turning red in the scalding water. His smell was on my bedding, so I gathered it up and brought it to the laundry room, dumping 1/4 bottle of bleach in. I went upstairs, scrubbed in the shower some more, and called my boyfriend at the time, saying Sorry, It’s Not You, It’s Me. I’d fucked up by going out, for daring to have a drink, by talking to strangers, for thinking it was safe to assume people looked out for one another.

The next day I got a prescription for the morning after pill, and booked STI testing when the clinic opened Monday. Then I tried to push it out of my mind. The year hadn’t even started yet and I was determined to focus on my education instead of letting that one incident hold me back.

That year, I stopped sleeping. My body and mind deteriorated as I starved all day and exercised all night. People began asking if I was OK. I wanted to tell them how I didn’t feel safe in my bed, but choked in the words. Why would anyone care?

Why. Would. ANYONE. Care?

And if they did, they would try to quantify how much guilt was mine before looking at my assailant’s.
They’d ask what I had done to prevent the drugging and assault.
They’d lecture me about self-care and remind me that binge drinking is bad.
They’d ask why I washed away all the evidence the way I did, without stopping to think about how I felt at the time.
They’d ask why I didn’t submit to a rape kit and try to have charges filed.
They’d ask what I had done to provoke him.
They’d ask what my boyfriend thought of it.

When I later spent time in and out of hospital for my eating disorder, they’d ask why I was so reluctant to talk about the assault, totally forgetting how invisible I had been during the ordeal. How every single effort, no matter how hard, wasn’t enough. It fell on deaf ears and blind eyes. I was just that girl on the bus who didn’t scream.

Just another girl.

But there are so many of us to keep quiet

 


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england


nina toubale, julie naudet crea, brighton england, university of brighton media studies, london england, tarek toubale, bdsm, bondage, sex, sex toys, adult shops, adult massage, device bondage, abduction play, discreet encounters, hatfield england, worthing england, bournemouth england, eastbourne england