What is Submission (BDSM – Bondage)

The dictionary defines submission as: the action or fact of accepting or yielding to a superior force or to the will or authority of another person. In the context of BDSM, it is the latter portion of this definition that becomes particularly relevant. So, submission in a nutshell is yielding to the will or authority of another person. While nutshells are convenient, it is useful at times to unpack that in greater detail.

When we start with the foundation that it is yielding to another person’s will, submission becomes very simple, and very complex at the same time. Many people have asked me if submission means they forfeit their own will, or if submission means giving over complete control to their dominant. That is not an easy question to tackle, as everything we do is subjective and details of what submission looks like are left to the interpretation of the parties involved.

Perhaps easier is describing what submission is not.

 

Submission is not:

– Making demands of your partner. This includes demands of what they will wear, what they will do to you, when they will have sex with you, etc.
– Treating your partner like a fetish dispenser. Yes, you are free to have your own desires and fetishes. Ideally, your fetishes and your partners will line up nicely. Submission is not presenting yourself and saying “I want you to do …. to me”.
– Only complying when you feel like it. Yes, you are allowed to have boundaries and limits. Those should be thoroughly negotiated and consented to.
– Abusing a safeword. By all means, please have a safeword. But please do not use it to merely get out of things you don’t feel like doing.
Getting the picture? Submission is easy to define, but much more difficult to perform. It takes work, and genuine desire.


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