Rebound Sex

I was chatting with a friend today and we each admitted to using people in the past, disposing of them when we got what we needed or wanted. I’m ashamed and disgusted with the callousness of my youth. I often feel as though every painful moment of my life has been penance for the pain I’ve caused others. I feel it so deeply now…my own pain, yes, but that of others even more acutely sometimes. If I can stop it, if I can prevent it, if I can right how someone has been wronged…I want to stand between the innocent and the evil. Even when that evil is me.

That’s how my heart feels about it anyway.

Rebound…it’s such a tactful word for what it really is: crutch. It’s one more way we treat people like things instead of fellow human beings. Beings with conscience, self awareness, the ability to feel the entire spectrum of emotion.

But we are selfish, all of us.

One of the concepts I teach in my professional life is that of “whole community resiliency,” and I use the analogy of a basket ball – the more it’s filled up, the more quickly it recovers its shape and bounces; the less it’s filled, the more it will take to reform. The latter ball requires “outside resources” (more air) to be filled and thus regain its proper shape and, thus, future resiliency also know as the ability to bounce back. (Congratulations – you just took an thirty minute disaster recovery lecture on 10 seconds.)

Here you can insert all kinds of fabulous and long winded prose about emotional resilience, filling your own cup, self care, meditation, mindfulness, emotional intelligence, finding your zen, and whatever other new-fad bullshit is the current war cry of the terminally superior and well adjusted. And, yeah, all that stuff is great. I myself practice mindfulness, believe I am moderately emotionally intelligent, and fill my own coffee cup daily – sometimes five times a day. I’m an over achiever like that.

But here’s what I’ve decided it comes down to, when you boil it all down to the tastiest of reductions: *People. Aren’t. Things. *

They aren’t tire pumps or crutches or something to lean on while you look for the next glittery bobble to motivate you to propel your own ass forward. Using them to make you bounce back doesn’t create resilience – it just make sure you a bouncy ass hat. People aren’t here for you and me to use. We’re all adults here (well…most of us…) so speak your truth, even if it sounds douchey. Even if your truth is, “I’m just here to play for a while, collect experiences, and keep the variety coming” or “I just got my ass handed to me in my last relationship, and what I need right now is (fill in the blank.” Most people might respect that type of honesty. And ideally you’ll respect yourself more for your honesty.

This feeds directly into consent culture, IMO. Lying, hiding, omitting…no one can consent if the truth isn’t on the table. And yet somehow I continue to see use and abuse occur, because there are kind, naive, and tender hearted people seeking all sorts of things in this community. It’s been a while since I’ve been one of those people, for better or worse. Thankfully it’s been a very long while since I’ve been one of the users. I have been on both sides of this particular fence, and it pains me to see it happen. It pains me to see us use the word “rebound” like we use the word “euthanize.” It’s a pretty word for an ugly truth.

I keep hearing we’re all here in the kink/poly/swinging communities because we want to be open, honest, authentic, etc, about who we are. We say that a lot.

So my challenge to you – to all of us – is…prove it.



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Hotel Seattle Brighton, Inka Tattoo Studio Brighton, Tattoo Brighton, Into You Tattoo Brighton, Intro tattoo & piercing Brighton, Jimmy’s Restaurants Brighton, Joanne Fleming Design Brighton, Las Iguanas Brighton, Magnum Opus Brighton, MARKET Restaurant & Bar Brighton, Marwood Brighton, Merkaba Brighton, MOSS BROS Brighton, O Zone Brighton, Passport Menswear Brighton, Pelicano Brighton, Phase Eight Brighton, Hotel Pelirocco Brighton

Prezzo Brighton, Red Roaster Brighton, Regency Restaurant Brighton, Riddle & Finns Brighton, Sam’s of Brighton, Sam’s of Sevendials Brighton, Small Batch Brighton, Stanmer House Brighton, Tattoo Studio M13 Hove, Terre a Terre Brighton,

Ginger Dog Brighton, Ginger Pig Brighton, Grill at Lansdowne Place Brighton, Whitecliffs Cafe Brighton, Touro Brazilian Steakhouse Brighton, TunTun’s Cafe Brighton, Walk in Wardrobe Boutique Hove, Waterside Brasserie Brighton, White Leaf Boutique Brighton, Wolf & Dagger Hove, Yum Yum Ninja Brighton, Zizzi Brighton