A Place of Darkness – Nina Toubale – Brighton and Hove UK, England, United Kingdom, London England, London UK

I never thought that I would ever visit that place again. The place where I can no longer feel and that nothing matters. Where I am fed untruths and I sense that I am drowning in a river of terror.
It’s been seventeen years since I left.

Before I talk about recent events, I need to give somewhat of backstory if you will. I feel that this is needed to fully understand where I am coming from.

I have wrote about my past experiences being bullied throughout my childhood. I truly feel that there’s power in sharing your story. While I have shared my story, I haven’t shared on how the little pieces of the whole have affected me.

I’ve had coworkers ask me about why I haven’t settled down and gotten married. As a teenager, I got inquiries about why I wasn’t dating anyone. I have also had coworkers flirt with me, which makes me extremely uncomfortable. I am pretty awkward in social situations due to extensive bullying. So when I am asked “Why haven’t you settled down?. There’s a ton of guys out there….”, I get very uneasy. I just want to tell them to go fuck themselves because what I do is nobody’s business.
My experiences have caused me to doubt forming relationships because I am scared to trust people.

They may have a great time with the fun, sarcastic, dirty humored part of me. They may think I am sweet because I will do anything I can to help someone. But I am still scared to trust people enough to share my innermost feelings. I am scared that they will run like a bat out of hell when they see how my spirit is in bits and pieces. I am afraid of being too much because I still struggle with being told that I cannot be controlled.

When I feel scared to trust people, I sometimes try to ignore that feeling; and it has led me to have even more traumatic events.

I always try to be nice to everyone.Yet when someone is nice to me, there’s a voice that wonders why. I fucking hate doubting people’s kindness. I still feel like I’m not deserving of kindness.

The past few months have been literal fucking hell for me personally and professionally. I have felt this cloud come over me the end of January. Work changes occurred and I just felt so tired by being shifted around like cattle. Schedules changed, and I was told I could only take one bereavement day when my grandmother passed away in February. I did take more than that.

I could feel this shocking sensation going through my body and I kept ignoring it. I would make an appointment and have to cancel it due to the shifting at work. I woke up one morning and I knew I had to get checked out. My body was on fire, and I felt so dizzy. I felt this cloud getting heavier and heavier. I had to literally shut down. Tests are still being run.

I’ve felt like nothing matters anymore and that I’m trapped.

Seventeen fucking years since I last felt like I no longer matter. I never thought I’d visit that place of darkness again.

I don’t feel as if I’m going to self harm.
I’m being fed lies and I’m fighting like hell to tell them to go away.

This writing was an accumulation of feelings that I have deeply hid away. It is best to let those feelings go. I know I cannot let this darkness take my fucking soul even though it wants to. There’s love in this world and I am deeply appreciative of that.


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Bondage, BDSM, S&M, Fetish, Sex, Sex Toys, Obedience Training, Objectification, Old Guard Slavery, older women, Online Play, Oral Sex, ordered to masturbate, Orgasm Control, Orgasm Denial, Orgy, otk spanking, outdoor bondage, Outdoor sex,

Paddling, Pain, Panties, Panty-Sniffing, Pantyhose/Stockings, pegging, Percussion Play, Petplay, Petticoats, phone sex, Photography, Piercings, Piggy Play, pigtails, Pin-Ups, Pinching, Pirates, Play Piercing, Play Punishment, polyamory,

Pony Play, Porn, Posture Collars, Power Exchange, Predator/prey, Predicament Bondage, Pressure points, pro domme, Prostate Massage, prostate milking, Protocol, Psycholagny, Public Humiliation, public play,

punching, Puppy Play, Pursuit, Take-Down & Capture, pussy pumping, pussy worship,

Sacred Sexuality, Sadism, Sadomasochism, sapiosexuality, Saran Wrap, Satin, Scarf bondage, Scarification, Scent, schoolgirl, schoolgirl uniform, Scratching, Seduction, Self-bondage, Sensation Play, Sensory Deprivation, sensual domination,

sensual play
Sensual/slave dances, sensualism, Service, Service-oriented submission, sex, Sex During Menstruation, Sex In Public, sex in the cemetery, sex in videostore porn rooms, sex magick, Sex Online, sex with strangers, sexual objectification,

sexual slavery, Shackles, shaving, Shibari, Single Tail Whips, Slapping, Slave Bells, slave tattoos, slavery, sleep, sleepsacks, sleepy sex, sluts, small tits, smothering, snuggling, Spandex, Spanking, speculums, Speech restriction,

spiritual bdsm, Spitting, Spreader Bars, Squirting, staples, Stockings, Strap-ons, submission, subspace, superheroes, suspension, Suspension Bondage, Swallowing, Switching, sybian

Aaron Bsn, Abbi Chalk, Ahmed Toubale, Aïla Lankaranian, Ali Finlay, Alio Flos, Antoine Runacher Vpe, Athene Xenia Aristocleous, Becca Hawkins, Bella D’Anzi, Caitlin Thomas, Caleb Ng, Camille Mercat, Charlotte Scott, Charlotte Sleet,

Chloé Barthe, Dee Wasielewska, Domile Abelyte, Ella Joy Lawrence, Eva Lopez Eiro, Eve Bombole, Georgia Harris, Hassina Toubale, Hugo Prando, Jessamy Lelliott, Joely Thompson
Jpos Torres, Julie Naudet Crea, Kai Gittos, Kassem Toubale, Katie Lindsey Smith, Katya Smolko, Layla Daniel, Léa Toubale, Lee Beevers, Louise Henderson, Lucas Descause, Marie-eva Barclay, Mel Dodd, Mohamed Toubale, Nine Halimi,

Noémie Beriye, Nolie Gaudesaboos, Oumaima El Idrissi, Pierrot Ducrot, Rémi Conte, Reuben Attia, Reuben Hunt, Skye de la Mare, Stephanie Kirk, Stephie Palmer, Tarek Toubale
Timothé Mercat, Viktorija Pociute, Yacine Toubale, Sinead Murdoch, Hortense Pl-Dn, Léa Coquelle, Tashana Elainé Judson-Saul, Rossella Bittichesu, Abhelaashan Easparanathan, Ashraf Uddin, AnneSophie Antas, Stephane Del Pérugia, Charli Beaumont,

Lauradele Sorcelle, Vivian Buard, Rose Borel, Alice Dogruyol, Karim Eltayeb, Dany Acevedo, Eva Clairambaud, Lais Harumi, Meropi Stamna, Nadia Nuseibeh, Lottie Butler, Talia Laikin



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SuperNatural Organic Kids & Baby Clothes – Hove, EAST SUSSEX, Sussex Bed Centres – Portslade, Brighton, Sussex Fencing & Construction Co – Portslade, Brighton, Sussex International Grocers – Brighton and Hove, Hove, Sussex Jewellery and Craft School – Hove, Brighton, Sussex Mechanic – Hove, Sussex Pet Stores – Brighton and Hove, Brighton, Sussex Print & Craft – Brighton, Sussex Uniforms – Haywards Heath,

Swains Farm Shop and Garden Centre – Woodmancote, Swarovski Brighton – Brighton, Swift Sports – Brighton, Swisstorante – Brighton, T G Fruits – Brighton, Taste of China – Hove, Tattoo Studio M13 – Hove, Taylor Made Frames – North Laine, Brighton, Taylors – Brighton, Taylors Tobacconists – Brighton, Technochi Computers – Brighton, Techworld – Brighton, Tegen Accessories – Brighton, Terre a Terre, Terrence John Blacksmithing – Newhaven, Terry’s – Brighton, TextileGarden – Bramber, Steyning, The Ginger Dog, The Ginger Pig, The Grill at Lansdowne Place, The Whitecliffs Cafe,

thecopyroom – Brighton, thepackman – Portslade, Brighton, Thorne’s Foods – Brighton, Thorntons – City Centre, Brighton, Tickled – Brighton, Timpson – Brighton, Timpson – Hove, Timpson – Portslade, Hove, TJ’s Branding Solutions – Hove, TJ’s Visual Solutions – Hove, TKMaxx – London, Tobacconists ” Cuban Cigars” – Brighton, Toby Tiger – Brighton, TOG 24 Store – Brighton, Toolstation Hove – Hove, Touro Brazilian Steakhouse, Towels Galore – Lancing, Toys R Us – Hove, Brighton, Tracking UK – Brighton, TradePoint – Brighton, Trafalgar News – Brighton, Trafalgar Wines – Brighton and Hove,

Brighton, Translife Limited – Hove, Travis Perkins Trading Co – Brighton, Trendco Hove – Hove, Tresami Antiques & Collectables – Brighton, TunTun’s Cafe, Tutti Frutti – Brighton, UniqueT – Brighton, Upholsterers Brighton Field Soft Furnishings & Upholstery – Brighton, Upholstery Artist – Hove, Valelink – Brighton, Van Window Conversions – Brighton, Vantage House UK – Hove, Vape Shop Brighton – Portslade, Brighton,

Varney’s Sewing Machines – Portslade, Brighton, Vehicle Sign Writing – Portslade, Brighton, Velo Ami – Hove, Velo Vitality – Brighton, Velvet Tattoo – Hove, Villa & Hut – Portslade, Hove, Vin Mag Co – Brighton, Waitrose – Brighton, Walk in Wardrobe Boutique – Hove, Warren Evans Beds Brighton – Brighton, Waterside Brasserie, Waterstones Brighton – Brighton, Wax Factor – Brighton, Weeza Graphics – Brighton,

Westbourne Motors – Hove, Westdene Butchers – Brighton, Weston – Brighton, Wheels R Us Alloy Wheel Repair & Refurbishment Service – Hassocks, White Company – Brighton, White Leaf Boutique – Brighton, WHSmith – Brighton, WHSmith – Brighton, WIck Candle Boutique – Hove, Wildcat – Brighton, Wilkinson – Burgess Hill, William Hill – Brighton, William Morris Antiques – Brighton, Wilmshurst Bros – Hove, Brighton, Windmill Stores – Brighton,

Wolf & Dagger – Hove, Wonky Crafts – Hassocks, Works Brighton – Brighton, Works Outlet – Brighton, World Of Taps – Brighton, Worthing Wine and E Cigarette Station – Worthing, WVM Upholstery – Brighton and Hove, AK – Brighton, Yo Yo Blinds – Brighton, YouAreArtcouk – Brighton, Youjuice – Hove, Youjuice Garage – Hove, Yum Yum Ninja, ZeroDotNine – Brighton, Zizzi – Brighton, Zizzi – Brighton Marina, Zoingimage – North Laine,