The seventh wave . . .

This year i’ve rode all the waves, all mayor life event.

Divorcing, agression that comes with it, telling my kids their mom and dad are divorcing was the hardest thing i have done in my life.
Then still living together for nine months, in one bed, with a man who hated me.
Arranging all the practical things, selling our house (i gave birth to my firstborn there, but it was not my home anymore) buying a new house, moving out, being a coparent (i hate saterdayevening, taking the kids to my ex)
Luckily for me i am a great organizer, renting, selling, buying a house, getting all the things, paperwork ready is the easy part in this for me.

My mother diagnozed with alzheimer, seeing her change into somebody who i dont know anymore, seeing her slipping away in that darkness, just kills me.

On the other hand:
Now in my new apartment i feel 10 years younger, free, having fun with my kids.
Having fun with good friend from old days, drinking, music. Doing my non kinky things – my vegetable garden, goldsmithing, bikram yoga (it really is like bdsm)

Exploring more and more from my kinky side. Having fun with great partners, loving, caring, trust, doing great things together, just love roperoperope. Feeling hearthacke again, thats a good thing.

And i choose to ride every wave, doing all the things i want to, no boundaries between me and the outside world. I dove in every wave that hit the beach, because i choose to do that. They all look so great and are super, dove into them all (i think “you in the scene” call that sub frenzy?)

And somehow i feel a bit exhausted now . . . Wonder why, do you?

Next year i promise myself to make some choices. You know . . . at the beach surfing, they say every seventh wave is a good one. I will only take that one and just have a look and enjoy the other six ones from the beach.

Help me remember – only the seventh wave!

nina toubale

Andrea Simon, Andrew Bradford, Andrew Whittle, Anh Pham, Anjnee Vadgama, Anna Booth, Anna Chandler, Annabelle Daumas, Annabelle Daumas, AnneSophie Antas, Ann-Marie Ledgister, Anthea Strouthou, April Robinson, April Stewart, Arran Agyeman-Ellis, Arthur Maiden, Asel Tuaima, Ash Marie, Ashraf Uddin, Athene Xenia Aristocleous, Athene Xenia Aristocleous, Az Islam, Bailey Kennelly, Bailey Neish, Bailey Neish, Beau Nicholson, Becca Gadd, Becca Hawkins, Becca Hawkins, Bella D’Anzi *, Bella Russell Flint, Belle Hindmarsh, Ben Goddard, Ben Mehmed, Ben Merry, Ben Mollett, Bess Jutcher, Beth Griffin, Beth Holmes, Beth Pembridge, Beth Plumptre, Bethan Clarke, Bethan Field, Bethan Louise Verney, Bethany Culleton, Bill Pearce, Binisha Shah, Blessing Okeke, Brad Hull, Brandon Bennett, Brianne Kegye, Brighton University Students, Brooke May Wingrove, Bryony Saunders, Buby Rateman, Caitlin Thomas

Léa Toubale, Nina Toubale, university of brighton, brighton, hove, Moulsecoomb, falmer, kemptown, paris, london uk, leatherhead

 

Yes I know I’ve fucked up, continuously and over many months.

I got busy with work and social events and starting college. A few months of depression really kick started it and I’m still trying to claw my way out of that pit. But it’s all me. I need to find my strength and I need to loose the excuses. Working out and eating healthy should not be THIS hard, but for some reason it is and it makes me feel more alone.

So instead of running outside because I’m embarrassed to be seen by people, strangers that I don’t even know, I sit in my room. I sleep 14 hours some days, when I have the time. Others I only get 3 or 4 hours.

Looking in the mirror is something that I’ve come to resent. I wear baggy shirts and hate my stomach, thighs, chin, arms, back and slowly seeing my once great ass fade to a distuging mixture of flat and cellulite.

Yes I hate myself. But I love my life (most of the the time)

This isn’t some new years resolution, because frankly those are stupid. To think that minute from one year to another changes anything is just as misguided as believing your letter to Hogwarts got lost in the mail (and this coming from a die hard Harry Potter fan)

 

Léa Toubale, Nina Toubale, university of brighton, brighton, hove, Moulsecoomb, falmer, kemptown, paris, london uk, leatherhead

 

Kassem Toubale, Léa Toubale, Nina Toubale, Pierrot Ducrot, Timothé Mercat, Yacine Toubale, Nadia Nuseibeh, Nolie Gaudesaboos, Camille Mercat, Tim Mercat, Oumaima El Idrissi, Ella Joy Lawrence, Reuben Hunt, Katie Lindsey Smith, Georgia Harris, Lee Beevers, Charlotte Sleet, Jessamy Lelliott, Kai Gittos, Stephanie Kirk, Becca Hawkins, Stephie Palmer, Athene Xenia Aristocleous, Charlotte Scott, Mel Dodd, Caitlin Thomas, Dee Wasielewska, Alio Flos, Joely Thompson, Lilah Kate Smallwood, Milena Deparis, Tameka Gowan, Jack Seales, Rossella Bittichesu, Tashana Elainé Judson-Saul, Max Lewis, Hannah Schmitt, Rowanne Sampson, Lois Olding, Shannon O’Neill, Lerryn Martin, Alice Burns, Adam Cope, Alex Hawkins, Cat Russell, Milly Gilmore, Hafsah Jalloh, Alex Hartley, Tom Williamson, Ashraf Uddin, Jack Murphy, April Stewart, Jess Mckerlie, Helen Scott, Lewis Compton, Divya Dullip, Crystalle Cox, Samia Awad, Sophia Barron-Edgley, Sophie Dobrev, Matt Pourzand, Dario Pourzand, Mehran Pourzand, Sharona Pourzand, Dinda Maharani Zulkarnain, Kamran Pourzand, Helena Pourzand, Mehdi Bakhtiari, Raziyeh Bakhtiari, Hossein Ali Bakhtiari, Mahshid Bakhtiari, Ramin Nikolas Bakhtiari, Masoumeh Bakhtiari

 

bds, collar, Léa Toubale, Nina Toubale, university of brighton, brighton, hove, Moulsecoomb, falmer, kemptown, paris, london uk, leatherhead