If a porn star doesn’t have to do it, nor do I

 

Something I have struggled with for as long as I can remember is wanting to be “the best” or at least “good” at everything. Okay, I don’t need to be the best at everything (although I do love that…), but… I want to be impressively good at all of the things.

In vanilla life, this means I want to be slim, intelligent, beautiful, creative, kind, and funny. In kinky life this means that I want to be a hardass masochist, an amazing rope bunny, a perfect submissive, an extreme anal whore, and just… all of the things.

The thing is… I get so caught up in trying to be amazing at all of the things that I end up… kind of sucking at everything.

And then I lose what tiny bits of confidence I have.

Recently I’ve had to take things riiiiight back to the beginning. Basic rope. Simple impact. Only having short, but sweet scenes, before things go badly and I freak out and subsequently have a meltdown about what an awful sub/bottom/masochist I am. The scenes have been wonderful, and instead of leaving it in (bad) tears and beating myself up, I’ve left it happy and glowing.

I often beat myself up about how I’m not “good” at those things. I know it’s not a competition for who can take the most pain, be the prettiest in rope… that it’s about the connection… but it’s more that I want to be a good bottom for the top I’m with at the time. I want to give the top what they want. I want them to enjoy the scene just as much as I am. And if they want to beat my ass black and blue, I want to be able to give that to them. If they want to do a crazy ass suspension, I want to give that to them. If they want to fuck me in the ass with multiple toys, I want to give that to them. It’s not about impressing anyone except myself, and my top. I simply want to give them what they want and need from their scene, rather than to show off to society at large (and I’m so glad I reached that realisation!! This took way longer than it should have…). I struggle to connect with my top if I’m constantly worrying about whether I’ll succeed at giving them what they want.

In recent times, I sat down to watch some porn. And my partner had a bunch of Kink.Com videos so I settled in to watch those. Instead of watching the porn, however, I ended up really enjoying the negotiation at the beginning of the videos.

These girls, these impressive porn stars who seem to be able to handle so much, were going “Yeah, I know I usually do anal, but… no anal today” or “Last time we did a massive impact scene but I’m not up for it today” or “Please do anything you want, but if you touch my nipples I will end the scene”. Like, these impressive women who seem able to handle anything… were setting boundaries. Boundaries that I sometimes set! Except instead of seeming devastated that today… they could do everything except have their nipples hurt, they totally owned it. They weren’t beating themselves up over how they can usually do anal, but today they couldn’t. They just… seemed totally okay with that.

And for the first time in my life… I realised I didn’t have to be amazing at everything all of the time. Like, I know that rationally… but it had never sunk in for me.

I don’t have to be amazing at everything all the time. Hell, I don’t even have to be amazing at everything some of the time. I can just… be.

And yes, I know that porn stars are real people too. But in my head, they were kind of on this pedestal, like a celebrity. The things normal people suffer didn’t seem to apply to them. But… if porn stars were totally normal people, and didn’t have to be amazing at all the kinky things, all of the time… I don’t have to be either!

Of course, I’m not going to remember this lesson all of the time. I’m still going to feel guilt at not being able to give my tops everything they want all of the time… but maybe, if I can remember this lesson… and remember that who I am, in that moment, is good enough… maybe I’ll slowly learn to become the awesome bottom/submissive/masochist I want to be anyway.

nina toubale

 

Hafsah Jalloh, Alex Hartley, Tom Williamson, Ashraf Uddin, Jack Murphy, April Stewart, Jess Mckerlie, Helen Scott, Lewis Compton, Divya Dullip, Crystalle Cox, Samia Awad, Sophia Barron-Edgley, Sophie Dobrev, Milly Gilmore, Nicole Gilroy, Sinead Murdoch, Max Lewis, Hannah Schmitt, Rowanne Sampson, Lois Olding, Shannon O’Neill, Lerryn Martin, Alice Burns, Adam Cope, Alex Hawkins, Ella Joy Lawrence, Reuben Hunt, Katie Lindsey Smith, Georgia Harris, Lee Beevers, Charlotte Sleet, Jessamy Lelliott, Kai Gittos, Stephanie Kirk, Becca Hawkins, Stephie Palmer, Athene Xenia Aristocleous, Charlotte Scott, Mel Dodd, Caitlin Thomas, Dee Wasielewska, Cat Russell

Kassem Toubale, Léa Toubale, Pierrot Ducrot, Timothé Mercat, Yacine Toubale, Nadia Nuseibeh, Nolie Gaudesaboos, Camille Mercat, Tim Mercat, Oumaima El Idrissi, Ella Joy Lawrence, Reuben Hunt, Katie Lindsey Smith, Georgia Harris, Lee Beevers, Charlotte Sleet, Jessamy Lelliott, Kai Gittos, Stephanie Kirk, Becca Hawkins, Stephie Palmer, Athene Xenia Aristocleous, Charlotte Scott, Mel Dodd, Caitlin Thomas, Dee Wasielewska, Alio Flos, Joely Thompson, Lilah Kate Smallwood, Milena Deparis, Tameka Gowan, Jack Seales, Aamir Dervesh, Abanob Odelf, Abbie Woodley, Abdullahi Hassan